Lick The Nation!

What up sex fiends?

I was gonna try and post something the other day but I got distracted due to me being out awesoming all over everything.

Anyway, I'll leave you with a short one today. I have another task for you boys and girls. This is one that I too will be participating in.

I want you to LICK the Top 10 Scottish monuments. Naturally I'll list them below. This will be an act of unfailing patriotism and will require nerves of steel, the brains of a cougar, and the reflexes of Bruce Lee.

1. First up, of course, we have to have the National Wallace Monument. This monument to one of the greatest ever Scotsmen, Sir William Wallace stands 220 feet high, near the site of the Battle of Stirling. The spiral staircase leads right to the top where you shall lick the hell out of it to show your national pride.
2. Next up we have a monument to another great Scot. In fact, Sir Walter Scott, Creator of such literary works as Rob Roy and Ivanhoe. £3 gets you entry to the monument where you should then climb the 287 stairs to the very top, and where teetering on the very edge of the great Edinburgh Spire, you lick that bad boy good.
3. Next another Edinburgh monument, dedicated to Admiral Lord Nelson for his victory in the battle of Trafalgar. this giant profile is based on Nelson's giant penis, with which he actually won the battle. You can of course climb to the top of this large erection and you will have to lick that bad boy like there's no tomorrow, Lord Nelson would expect nothing less.
4. To Bannockburn now to commemorate a legend, and his legendary victory of the English tyrants. Robert the Bruce, led a vastly outnumbered Scottish army to defeat the English in 1314. Needless to say this man was frickin' awesome so get up close and lick his salty plaque.
5. The monument to the Duke of Wellington, resides on Queen Street, in Glasgow city centre. (Yeah the dude on the horse with the traffic cone hat). This is an awesome statue so it definitely deserves a hearty lick. Climb right up on that bad boy and lick his shiny boots! Just watch out for the Polis! :)
6. We've had him before but Apparently Ivanhoe is a real good read so Sir Walter Scott is back for the second time on my Top 10 lickable Scottish monuments. This time he's hiding atop of a giant column in the middle of George Square, again in Glasgow city centre. Unless you can find a rope and can climb up to the man himself, giving the plaque on his base a lick will do just as well. But extra awesome points if you can get the top very top.
7. Next we move to the Royal Concert Hall on Buchanan Street. At the bottom of the steps is a statue to the late Donald Dewar. He's a bronzed, old, dead politician so climb right up on him and lick him in his big bronze face.
8. Again in Glasgow, this time we're just outside central station. The statue of the fireman/alien invader. You gotta give his masked face a lick, because lets be honest, he's pretty awesome too.
9. Any part of Hadrian's Wall. If we can keep the Romans out we must be a pretty awesome country. Just get up and lick it all over kids!
10. Finally, last but not least! This is a risky one. Security is tight but its worth it for one of Scotland's greatest relics. I'm talking about the Stone of Destiny kids. It now resides in Edinburgh Castle. Of course as it sits inside a giant bullet proof glass case, the closest your gonna get to licking it without getting done for treason is licking the glass. But like i said, Watch the security, pick your timing and give that glass casing a big tongue smear!

And there we have it for my Top 10 lickable Scottish monuments. If possible kids, get some pictures of you licking each monument and send them to chrisn97@hotmail.com. Special prizes will be awarded for all 10 completed licks.

We do not take any responsibility for any deaths and or prison time received while in pursuit of licking these national treasures. Good luck!

Madness

Whats that got to do with anything? Nothing! That's what!

Well my little Nutlets, last night was an interesting one. What started off as a couple of drinks with the guys ended up in a criminal spree of theft and debauchery. Apologies to both that tattoo place and those people who will have a problem moving house now. I was forced, obviously against my will to carry their signs across half of EK. And I also forgot to lift my Gnome and Mushroom from Sarah's trunk, so I'll be needing to pick that up at some point.

Anyway, that's all on last night, onto today's topic. "What is today's topic Chris?" I hear you ask. Hush now little ones all shall be revealed shortly. First a homework assignment for all of you.
Men and Woman everywhere, lets share the love that this world needs so much. I want you to find the nearest member of the opposite sex (or the same sex if you are one of them homosex-you-als, we don't discriminate here), and I want you to spend one amazing night in bed together. I guarantee that everyone will wake up with a smile on their faces. Just remember, not to hang about for breakfast lest you end up in a *shiver* ugh.. Relationship...

"I don't know any men that I feel comfortable enough to have sex with". Well that's okay too, shyness is natural, but when it comes to saving the world, would you not say it's worth it? However, should you still feel this way, I would be happy to help you out with any issues you'd like to raise (Whey oh!) Please send any female applications to chrisn97@hotmail.com. (Applicants over 29 need to assess hotness, if below an 8 then please, forward emails straight to timetogiveup@yahoo.com )

Now today's topic is a short one kids. I would simply like to inform you about the day to day behaviour of awesome people. Awesome people don't wait in lines for bathrooms. FACT. If any of you awesomeites see a queue forming in your way to drop out a bad boy then you need to take action. No one respects a person without cajones!

Chris out.

General Awesomes Daily Routine

As you all should by now know, I am awesome, but being this awesome doesn't always come naturally. A lot of hard work, effort and good old fashioned elbow grease went into fashioning the being of awesomeness I am today.

This may seem daunting at first but fret not my young apprentices, for your Messiah is here and if you follow my 5 step "Awesomeness Workout Plan" or the "AWP" (patent pending) every morning, then you too will be well on your merry ways to being awesome as well.

1. Firstly, any AWP will begin with a physical workout. Guys, no chick will want to sleep with a fat, sweaty good-for-nothing, and Girls, lets be honest here, nobody wants to bed an uggo. So allow me to give you an example of some of my daily workouts for you to achieve those Beach Bods and Tight Torsos that we as a society covet so much. Any day should start with a run, if you're awesome like me, you'll have your own personal treadmill but if not, don't worry, outside or at the gym will do. Start by running for half an hour a day then step it up to 45 minutes and then an hour, this will burn off that beer belly and the love muffin we all hate so much. Follow this up with 500 sit ups and 200 press ups, you can take a break every 50. Then guys, get some weights in, you need those bulging biceps and rippling pectorals to woo those Chiclets, you be the judge of what you need, I'm not your mommy. Girls, try some yoga or something, guys love a flexible girl.
2. Next its time for your mental preparation for the day ahead, no one will think you're awesome unless you do too. Sit in front of the mirror for half an hour, talk to your reflection, tell it how good it looks, how intelligent and talented it is, comment on positive feature changes and remember the awesome things you've done throughout the week. This will get your geared up and confident for the day.
3. Get in a good breakfast, cereal is a common choice, and for good reason, its speeds up the metabolism and its good for your digestion, that, and its awesome. Fruit is good too, a tasty fruit salad is a great way to prep your awesome body for today's challenges. If your feeling extra awesome, why not combine the two?
4. Dress smart, a shirt and nice trousers or a fine double-breasted suit would do best, but even a nice pair of jeans will do.
5. Grab a glass of aged scotch and your ready to take on the day.

Follow my 5 step "Awesomeness Workout Plan" and get awesome, starting today!

Grand Opening of General Awesomes Legendary Adventures

Good evening my friends, lovers, admirers, colleagues other peasants of the world.

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you the detailed accounts of my legendary adventures through life, my musings and my personal conquests. Throughout my posts you will come to understand and appreciate my deepests dreams and desires, my loves and hates and just how awesome I am. Of course you will. However this is not for me, this is for you, the poor souls stuggling in a disenfranchised society, and with my help you will finally become men and woman worthy of a place amongst the Gods.

Now you are probably asking yourself; Who is this guy? What does he know about us? Do i need his help?

These answers are simple:

Your saviour, everything and yes, by god yes.

Take away from my adventures what you will and hopefully, with strength, dignity and sheer willpower, you too may become awesome just like me.

Chris out.